make the logo bigger

only an accented web designer could open my eyes to the beauty of rock and design lingo.

the entire office has decided to pause at 4pm each day to "make the logo bigger."

How am I not myself?

I'm not gonna lie, I had a small crush on Michael Showalter after Wet Hot American Summer. Yes, I know. It soon fizzled after I saw him at Rififi's Invite Them Up and I'm pretty sure he was missing a side tooth. But he's back on my good side with this little diddy, a mockery of Lily Tomlin's tirade, and co-starring Paul Rudd-who could never lose my affections even though he's probably filed a restraining order against me after I leaned out of Tootsie's car window and shouted "Hey baby, how much?!?!" when I spotted him walking down the street.

Kudos to the propmaster for the decision to place the rifle over the "Michael Showalter" sign.

I'm taking my beer.

OH. MY. GOD.

that's all...

The Chronicles of Sweets Magee, Vol. 1

These are a year old. But friends have elbowed me into posting them because apparently they find them entertaining. Let's see, shall we?

For anyone I haven't blabbed to, my friend Tootsie got me a job as a personal assistant to a well known but not uber famous former pop tart (never taken seriously) turned actress (starting to be taken seriously) on a film her production company is shooting in New York in February and March. For all intents and purposes, she shall be known only as "Sweets Magee." I know, Tootsie gets my first born child. The film is a dark comedy where basically boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy tries to win girl back but he has relationship issues, blah, blah, blah. I've decided to update you each week with the shenanigans that take place because it's the most excitement I've had since JB stripped down to his underwear to conduct a meeting while sitting spread eagle in loose boxer briefs. How could you not want to read these tales of debauchery and intrigue? I now present to you: The Chronicles of Sweets Magee...

February 14th 2006, our first meeting. Valentine's Day. The floor is coked up on sugar and all the girls in the office are anxiously awaiting the arrival of Slick (indie actor content having his only mainstream recognition be a long running voiceover stint for a national ad campain) while the gentlemen hover around the door so that they can fight over who gets the distinction of opening it when Sweets arrives. 6:30pm, she arrives and she's gorgeous. Tall and not too thin and so pretty. She's rushed into wardrobe for her fittings and after two hours of pacing the office, nervous that I'll miss her before we map out the following day's schedule, she finally emerges, smiles and all. The exec. producer introduces me to Sweets, saying "this is C, she'll be your assistant on the film," and SHE COULDN'T BE NICER!!! Direct eye contact, a lovely hand shake, and I'm smitten. I have a heterosexual lady crush on Sweets Magee. We arrange to meet at the rehearsal space the next day and I'm on a high, my new job is awesome.

Feb. 15th, 12pm, rehearsal with Hipster (director of this film and great indie actor of others), Slick and Sweets. The boys show up first and struggle to place where they've seen me but I jog their memory and all is right in the world because I'm sitting in close proximity with two incredibly hot actors who smile when they talk to you and laugh like school children when discussing the merits of certain porn (Slick's character is forced to go to a smut theater in ny so he has to "research" it for background info). Then Sweets walks in and breaks my heart by saying "you know what, i think i'm good so you can go and i'll just call if i need anything." Now I'm self conscious. I thought I wasn't supposed to leave her side. Is she even going to utilize me? Why would she request an assistant in her contract (she doesn't have a full time assistant, she only uses them on shoots outside of Los Angeles) if she wasn't going to have me run errands or...who knows. I've never wanted to fetch someone a cup of coffee more than when Sweets told me she didn't need my help. Later that afternoon my fears were put to rest when we established e-mail contact and were chatty cathy's about the next day's adventures.

Feb. 16th, 1pm. After picking up some art supplies, I met Sweets at an illustration class at FIT so she could get a grasp on this whole "drawing" thing that her character has to master, and again, she says she thinks she's okay and doesn't really need me. I guess since the first day and a half I was working out of the production offices, she thought she was preventing me from doing real work by asking me to tag along. Au contraire Miss Magee, my sole purpose for the next month and a half is to be your shadow and since the day was pretty packed with plans I said I'd stay to help out. I was on a total power trip when half the class appoached me to ask if they could take pictures with Sweets. Acting completely cool like I've been doing this for years I go "um...I think that would be fine, I would just ask her when the class is over.

After school she offered to buy me a Starbucks and even though the cashier failed to notice who she was, apparently the barista did and quickly told the cashier because as I made my way around to the beverage pick-up point, the cashier popped up, schrunched her face in confusion and said " you don't look like Sweets Magee." Thank you lady, way to remind me that I am not-in fact-a beautiful hollywood actress. However, she soon spotted the real deal and became pretty vaklempt. Didn't help her make the coffee any faster though. With Java in tow, we snagged a cab up to the Metropolitan Museum of Art where the art class was taking part in an on-location assignment, and on the way there we discovered we have a lot in common:

-I told her my mom was a flight attendant and her eyes went wide with shock because Sweets' dad is a pilot.
-she too loves Ricky Gervais, both the british and american versions of the Office, and when I showed her that my cell phone backdrop is a picture of David Brent smiling as though he's constipated, she said it was really "cute." She told me I was cute about five times in response to little personality ticks I must have exuded-like when I told her I have a fear of falling down stairs when I know people are watching me climb them-but always in an adorable, friendly way. She really is sweet.
-we laugh at the same jokes, love the same actors, and we just really got along.

In the car on the way back her boyfriend called and they were pretty damn "cute" too. She was telling him how she's a terrible drawer (true, but I appreciate her self deprecation), and she mentioned me to him several times "C and I this, C and I that..." even going so far as to apologize for calling me her assistant in front of me, which is bananas. It's not that I'm starstruck, it's just that I've gone from being a personal assistant for a man who treated me like dog shit, to being treated like a best girlfriend after only a couple of days. I was so used to being degraded that I didn't understand what it was to feel appreciated. We then went to check out the apartment the production company rented for her and when i thanked her for buying me a slice of pizza around the corner, she gushed "oh my gosh thank you for hanging out with me all day."

She headed to L.A. this afternoon for a photo shoot with Teen Vogue so I won't see her until Monday's rehearsals, but we've been e-mailing each other and basically, Sweets Magee is my new best friend and i'm just jazzed that i have an exciting job.

tune in next week...

The Chronicles of Sweets Magee, Vol. 2

Sweet Lord, this week was definately intense, a whole lotta embarrassing, and completely worth it.

President's day started off slow, I ran a few errands but didn't see Sweets at all. I decided that since she's playing an illustrator, I would get her a copy of my favorite children's book, Wilfred Gordon McDonald Partridge, and I left it in her apt. with a cute little inscription saying it's for research purposes and I hope she enjoys it as much as I did.

Tuesday morning I met her down on Chambers street because they were doing camera tests to see how hair, makeup and wardrobe looked on screen. She had been in L.A. that weekend, so I asked her how her screen test went for this big studio romantic comedy she was auditioning for with this very cute tv actor whom I love dearly. She gushed about how adorable he was and said she thought it went really well. I was kind of standing around while she got her makeup done and she told me to grab a chair and sit next to her. The makeup artist asked if we were best friends, and she didn't miss a beat before saying "we are now." We read magazines, gossiped about celebs and everything was totally hunky dory. As we headed outside she turned to me and said "oh i forgot to thank you for the book, it was the sweetest thing." Yay me.

Later that day we ran some errands when she gets a call from her publicist informing her that Page Six is going to run an item that she's engaged and pregnant. She turns to me and says "not only are both untrue, but they're not just saying I'm pregnant, they're saying I'm four months pregnant which means they think I look chubby." Oh, sweet, sweet Sweets, I heart you.

We stopped by C.O.Bigelow's on the way back to her apartment, which is this great old drugstore that now sells high end items. She was like a kid in a candy shop, grabbing creams and makeup like money doesn't matter which it doesn't because she's rich. We paroused the fancy candles since she's a fanatic and I smelled one that was really nice and showed it to her. She liked it so much she bought it. Looky, looky, we've got the same taste. We moved onto the grocery store and she got a voicemail in the middle of the meat department and kind of walked away from me for some privacy. She squeaked a little when she got off the phone and said "That was (uber famous Oscar winning actress), we just finished a movie together and she's amazing, if you ever get the chance to work with her, do." Um, okay, I'll do that. I walked her back to her apt. and helped her carry her bags up and as I turned to leave she handed me something. It was the fancy candle I picked out and she said "thank you so much for all your help." There are perks?!?!?! Delightful.

random interjection-Jared Leto came into the production offices because the other side of the floor is Chapter 27, a film that just wrapped where Leto plays Mark David Chapman, the guy who killed Lennon. When word spread that he was roaming the floor, all the girls giggled at the news and scanned the office but all they could see was some fat guy joking arround. It was then that they realized the fat guy was Jared, the weight was a result of looking more like the killer, and all the girls exhaled disappointment because it was such a buzzkill since he's usually pretty hot.

Wednesday-the black day-a.k.a. the most embarrassing day of my entire life. I share this story with you because I must let my public know how utterly ridiculous my life can be. Some of you may not look at me the same way again, and that's fine. Just know, it was an emergency. Sweets had rehearsal from 10am-4pm and I was meeting some guy to hook up wireless internet in her apt. around 10:30am. The guy comes over and realizes he needs to get another part and asks if I'll be here to let him in. I tell him yes and he leaves. A half-hour lapses, he's still not back. An hour goes by, still nothing. Suddenly the two very large cups of coffee I've had that morning are starting to work their digestive magic. I really have to use the bathroom, but I can't because it's Sweets' and that's so weird. The hour and a half mark hits and I'm in pain. I can't leave because I'm in a residential neighborhood and the amount of time it will take to find a public bathroom will be too much. I have to do it, I have to poop.

I duck into the bathroom, take care of business, and flush the toilet. Only it won't flush. I've done something taboo, pooped in another person's bathroom and God, or Murphy's Law, or whoever is punishing me for my stupidity. I tear the bathroom and kitchen apart looking for a plunger but there's nothing. It's just me, left alone in the apartment with my crime. I look at my watch, unsuccessfully flush the toilet again, and decide I have to get a plunger. I book it out of her building faster than Kentucy Derby horses out of the gate at the sound of a pistol. Duane Reade is out of stock and the discount drug store doesn't carry them, but they point me in the direction of a hardware store. I grab the only plunger in the store, throw money at the cashier and run as fast as my out of shape legs will take me. I cut up Fifth ave because the traffic lights are in my favor and who should I see walking in my direction but Steven Spielberg!!! Jee, maybe I'd say something to him if I weren't clutching a giant rubber plunger under one arm and sweating like a hooker in church at the thought of not being able to cover up my mistake in time. Then I relax a little because it's only 1pm and she has rehearsal until 4pm. At least I have some time.

My phone rings. It's SM. "Hey, I've got an hour off for lunch so I'm heading back to the apt. and wanted to see if you were still there?" HOLY JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There are times in life when you have to own up to your mistakes because no amount of stalling will save you from the pangs of punishment. I fessed up to what I had done. I told her I was so embarrassed, I used her bathroom and I clogged her toilet, but I'm going to fix it, I PROMISE. Sweets laughs and tells me it's totally fine, it's not a big deal, but I'm shaking. I meet her back at her apt. where I plunge for what seems like a lifetime and to no avail. I keep popping out to the living room to apologize profusely and she keeps telling me to relax, it's really not a problem. But it is Sweets, it is. The internet guy finally comes back and then the realtor with a tivo cable box and I ask him if he knows of a plumber I can call? He tells me he'll get the super to come and snake it. As she heads back for rehearsal I promise her that I will never use her bathroom again and she laughs and tells me to stop apologizing. I have never been more mortified in my entire life. My nerves could stand a drink. After Sweets heads back to rehearsal, I call Tootsie to tell her what happened but she tells me to stop because she's laughing so hard she's convulsing.

Thursday is more of an office day, with the occasional e-mail exchange peppered with flashbacks of the previous day's debacle and wondering if she's going to complain to her manager that I'm a terrible assistant, or that if I ever do get to meet her bf, when introduced it will be "oh, you're the girl who..." But wait a minute, she e-mails me to say that she and her friend R are going to dinner and maybe a movie, and if they go to a movie would I like to join them? Well, I was planning on washing my hair, but YES! 7pm rolls around and I get a call from Sweets saying they nixed the movie. Oh well, I guess the idea of hanging out with SM was too good to be true. Then she tells me she just found out she got the part in the big studio romantic comedy and she's meeting friends for dinner to celebrate and would "love for me to join her." That's right, she used the word "love."

I meet her at this restaurant called Village on 9th street and 6th ave and there's a glass of champagne waiting for me at the table. Sweets is there with her friends R, H and D and her manager, J. J leaves after the celebratory cocktail and the five of us order more drinks, enjoy muscles with pommes frittes, every dessert on the menu and more tasty beverages. I even let Sweets in on one of my little rituals when drinking champagne. I asked the waiter for the cork and immortalized the evening by writing "dinner with the gang/(the name of the movie she just landed) 2.23.06" on it and handed it Sweets. She loved my quirky little memento and her friends were great; D even jokingly only referred to me as "assistant" all night.

At the end of the meal the question of where to head next was posed and the answer quickly became Soho House. Sex and the City fans will recognize the name from the episode where Samantha finds a membership card in the bathroom and sneaks the girls in to use the pool. It's uber chic and you have to pay a hefty annual fee after being approved to join. I thank laziness and luck that I even looked half-way presentable since my casual clothes were dirty and I was forced to semi-dress up on account of falling behind on my laundry. In the cab ride over there the girls were telling me who we would be meeting up with and they kept referring to this guy D who is R's frenemy on account of their testy relationship. Sweets interjects saying, "he's got his own show on MSNBC." Ah-hah.

Soho House is really chic, lots of rich velvet curtains, leather couches and modern lighting fixtures. There's a billiards room, a balcony, and lots and lots of yuppies. Wannabe models linger by the bar hoping rich businessmen will buy them adult beverages, and the chairs are constructed in such a manner that you're forced into an awkward, exhibitionist pose when you sit in them. Sweets only ever introduced me as her "friend" C, but when the editor of a national men's magazine kept asking her how we knew each other, suspicious of the idea that I really was her pal, she finally caved and admitted I was her assistant. Ever the gentleman, he didn't hold back in telling his friends who I was for the rest of the night, but I could care less. More champagne was consumed and I couldn't help but sit back in my incredibly uncomfortable seat and take it all in, quietly laughing to myself. Then MSNBC guy walks in. He's quite charismatic and seems to love being the life of the party. Despite the fact that he kept flashing his "guns" and feeling his pecs, he's a very nice guy and constantly checked in on me to see if I wanted a drink (not in a creepy I want to get you drunk way).

More friend's came, including Sweets' manager and as the night wound down I decided it was time for me to head out. I stood up to leave, waving goodbye or shaking hands with everyone, but Sweets' manager leaned in and gave me this big, real hug. It completely caught me off-guard. Here's this Hollywood powerhouse who I only met a couple of hours ago, and he's clutching onto me. While we were hugging he whispered in my ear "thank you so much for taking care of her, helping her with everything. She loves you, loves you." The whole train ride home I was on cloud nine, I can't tell you how exhilarating it feels to work a job where you're appreciated. Coming from a position where I was constantly being degraded and "reminded" that I was supposedly less than someone because I was an assistant and a woman, and now to be so excited to go to work in the morning. To get to see how a movie is made from soup to nuts, and feeling like I belong here, feeling like I deserve this, like my hard work wasn't for nothing, it's just a really great feeling. Shooting starts on Monday, and it's going to be intense, we've only got a month to film which is really short, but I think it's going to be great.

What I've learned from this is that with every relationship, if you can get through the shit, you can get through anything.

tune in next week...

The Chronicles of Sweets Magee, Vol. 3

So sorry for the delay with this issue, I've had minor food poisoning and have been under the weather all weekend. Forgive me as I try to remember everthing from last week as I didn't do my usual note taking.

Monday was the first day of shooting and the week got off to a rocky start. The previous week, one of the locations people had mentioned that there are crew vans for anyone who needs a ride to set that leave at designated locations. I told her I'd probably be riding with Sweets but I took the information anyway. The call sheet for monday said that the crew van left at 5am sharp while Sweets wasn't being picked up until 7:10am. I e-mailed her to see if she wanted me to meet her at her apt. to ride to set together or for me to just meet her on set, and was relieved to find out she asked me to drive with her. Especially since because I was living in the Bronx, in order to meet the crew van I would have had to get up at 3am and that's banananas, especially since Sweets is my work and there's no need for me to get there two hours before her.

5:11am Monday morning, the locations girl calls to ask where I am, the van is waiting for me. What? Nobody said I was "booked" on a van, or that it was mandatory I take it. She said to let her know in the future if I'm not going to be riding with the crew. I apologized and hung up. One minute later she calls me again and I can hear someone in the background telling her what to say. The girl asks me if riding with Sweets to set is going to be an everyday thing? I told her I wasn't sure, it depends on what Sweets wants, and she said the Producers wanted to know since crew isn't supposed to ride with cast. Alright, now I'm nervous I've gotten myself into big trouble, all in a matter of two minutes. Plus, I was just becoming friends with the producers and they were telling me how thankful they were that I came on board. Did that all gone down the drain? I have that anxious feeling, like I'm going to get fired, even though I don't think they can fire me since I'm not getting paid, especially not for this, but who knows. Thanks to it still being late night subway service when I leave my apartment, and the incompetancy of the D train, I almost didn't even make it to my ride with Sweets either (it took almost two hours to get downtown), which set the mood for the day: paranoia.

We filmed at this museum up in Yonkers and quickly discovered there was no heat in hair and makeup and it's about 25 degrees if you're standing in the sun, which we are not. Everyone is completely bundled up in as many layers as they can find, and no amount of hot beverages or running back and forth seems to make a difference. Not to mention I'm nervous that people are looking at me with disdain, and I'm doing my very best to smile at everyone I see. At least there's a bit of good news, Sweets mentions that her friends are heading upstate for the weekend and asks if I'd like to join them. How do you say no to that?

Later that day I popped into the loo to use the toilet and when I emerged I decided to take a stroll around the modest museum. I was looking over a balcony when I hear "hey sweetheart, is that supposed to be there?" I turn to see an extremely cute P.A. standing right in front of me and when I look down to see what he's referring to, I spot a huge piece of toilet paper sticking out of my pants. There were no seat liners in the bathroom, so I was forced to put paper down, and I must have whipped my pants up so quickly in an effort to avoid the cold that I snapped up a reminder as well. It was clean, so that was good. He was kind enough to rip it off and throw it away, but it took the rest of the week before I could look him in the eye again.

Tootsie says I should stop going to the bathroom altogether.

One of the Exec Producers asks me to have Sweets sign a contract and I take this opportunity to smooth out any choppy waters. I apologize for that morning and she looks at me confused. When I tell her that I didn't know about the van, and I'm sorry I made them wait, she sweetly goes, "I didn't hear about that." So if it's not the Exec. Prod., then who is upset with me? Then Roe, the 2nd 2nd AD helps me out. The Line Producer, who has a major stick up her ass, is the one who made the comment, and she actually has nothing to do with me, or Sweets, or the production company Tootsie works for which technically found me as an employee.

Tuesday and Wednesday we filmed in Greenwich Village, at a closed diner next to the West Side Highway. I spent most of Tuesday working out of her apartment, so it wasn't the most thrilling of days, but Wednesday brought excitement in the form of Paparazzi. As I was coming back from grabbing her lunch I noticed a guy with a huge camera lens hovering outside her trailer. When I stepped inside, Sweets asked if he was still out there and I said yes. He stuck around for close to the rest of the afternoon, and when Roe and I walked Sweets to and from set he was right there, snapping away. I don't know who he'll sell the photos to, but there's a chance I could be next to Sweets in this week's US magazine, or Life & Style. I got kind of excited at the thought of this, my magazine debut, I'm not going to lie I kind of let it go to my head. Then I caught my relfection in the mirror. Yuck. Naturally, the photog shows up the day I'm too tired to shower, flushed from running errands in 20 degree weather, and I have so much junk in my coat pockets that I look like I'm carrying a tire around my waist. So I look forward to that one, everyone check your newstands.

Thursday we were in Clinton Hill in Brooklyn, also known as the borough devoid of a Starbucks and/or any coffee shop that isn't a bodega, which can be a problem when you work on a film set and people ask for lattes. You'll be glad to know that I now know Clinton Hill like the back of my hand because I drove all over the damn place to fulfill assorted requests throughout the day. It started snowing, and then slushing, which was awesome when you manage to soak your legs up to mid-calf level by 10am, and consistently fail to dry them because this location doesn't have heat either (it's an old loft that's being renovated).

Friday we shot at a cemetery in Queens, way, way, way, way out in Queens. I treated myself to a bacon and egg on a toasted bagel from the catering truck and plotted my return to manhattan because Sweets bought cupcakes from Billy's Bakery for the cast and crew as a thank you. There were 100 cupcakes (there are only 50 crew members, but she's very generous) split into two shopping bags and I made it all the way from 9th avenue and 21st street to the very last M train stop, yeah there's an M train. I cross the street, enter the cemetery gates, and one of the bags rips in half. Not the handles, not the seam on the bottom, it rips halfway around the middle of the bag. Forturnately, the cupcakes are troopers because they were all entact when I checked them out, but I was nowhere near where I needed to be. I looked around in a state of panic because without a bag, it's impossible to carry these boxes, and I can't just leave them in the middle of the street. Then a man comes over to me and says he runs the cemetery, asks if I'm part of the film crew and says he'll drive me to the trailer. Thank You Jesus. Oh, but it was an all faiths cemetery so Thank You ______.

Catering always has a little truck that they park near the set so you can grab a cup of crappy coffee, or a muffin, etc. The plan was to just put the cupcakes there, so you could get one whenever, so I ask Roe if someone can help me walk them over because the cast trailer was far enough from the rest of the set that one person would find it a struggle. She says she'll pick me up and shortly arrives with cute P.A. who pulled the toilet paper out of my butt, and some other kid. I notice we're actually leaving the cemetery and after driving for close to ten minutes we pull up to a church which I soon learned was the holding location (where crew can "hang out" and where meals are served). But holding is rarely ever so far away from set that you can't walk to it. I enter the dining room and it's like I was the new kid walking into a high school cafeteria, everyone just stared at me and shot me nasty looks. I couldn't believe it. Maybe it's because I spend most of my time either in Sweets' trailer or off set running errands, but these people don't seem to like me. Magoo, the director's assistant said the same thing, and Tootsie thinks it's because we have the "cooler" jobs.

I put the cupcakes out and ask Roe if she's heading back to set. No. Cute P.A.? No. Anyone? No. What the hell am I supposed to do? I'm stuck in holding with people who don't care to get to know me, answer my friendly questions with conversation ending one syllable responses and I can't even walk back to set. After fifteen minutes or so the crew vans arrive to take everyone back. I get in an empty one, we wait a few minutes and soon it's packed and ready to leave. Then the director comes running out and someone asks if I mind getting out for him. Totally fine, he's the director, I completely understand, plus there's a van right behind me. I jump in that one. Then I see that the producers have bought Starbucks for everyone and I decide to grab one for Sweets just in case. I ask the driver if he'll be here for a minute and he says he isn't leaving until he's full, and I tell him I'm running to get coffee. He asks if I'll grab one for Slick too and I say sure. I'm gone maybe two minutes, and when I emerge he's pulling away. I look at him and he says, "I was just about to leave." But when I scuttle around to climb in he says "oh, I don't have any room." Butthead.

I see this kid Tad getting into a car...can I grab a ride with you? No, he's already driving people. I'm really shocked at how people could care less about me. I don't expect anything, but why bring me all the way out to holding if there's no way for me to get back? I finally managed to squeeze into some guy's car with Patty the eccentric Irish snack guy and Shamus, the cocky Irish P.A. who's claim to fame was assisting Colin Farrell on a film once. At least this weekend will be awesome.

Sweets wrapped shooting early and we were on our way back to the city by 6pm. Just before we leave I ask Roe if she can take a cupcake back to Tootsie in the production offices when she leaves. They're chummy and she always has to go back to the office after shooting, plus she was just sitting around chatting when I approached her. She doesn't even look at me before saying "that is so the least of my concerns right now." What is wrong with people today? I vented to Sweets that I didn't think people on the set gave a crap about me and she says "I don't like to hear that, you're so nice C, how can anyone not like you?" That's all I needed.

Once we got back into Manhattan, Sweets' friend H picked us up in a family size SUV and we collected R and D. They were all hungry and wanted to go someplace corny so we hit up the Cheesecake Factory in Hackensack, NJ. Let me tell you, Sweets was the belle of the ball in that establishment. Bus boys were creating detours to pass by our table, teenage girls were stopping by to ask for autographs, and Sweets obliged to everyone. I didn't order anything because I was flat broke and had been eating the free crap on set all day. Plus, I wasn't hungry.

We got back on the road and all of the sudden I'm starting to feel nautious. But I didn't even eat dinner, what's going on? It took us a total of about two and a half hours to get to R's house (it was her and her ex-husband's, but they just sold it and it was her last weekend up there), and we got there around midnight. I'm feeling worse and tell them I'm just going to go to bed. Sweets asks if I'm okay and I tell her I just need to get some sleep, but I feel guilty for being useless since we all went up there to help R pack up the rest of her belongings. The next morning I'm really achey and my head is killing me and my stomach still feels awful. Sweets checks on me and asks if she can get me anything, but I just want to sleep. Around 5pm R offers to have a car take me back to the Bronx because at least I'll be in my own bed, which was so unbelievably nice.

All day Sunday I barely change positions, but managed to move long enough to watch the Oscars (of course), and found out from Tootsie that about 7 crew members had the same stomach thing I did on Friday and it's linked to catering. So I guess I won't be eating that anymore.

This week was a trial in self confidence. The entertainment industry is the most fickle industry in the world, and while I have experience in situations where people are trying to cut you down to size, it always throws me off guard when someone you think is on your side turns on you without hesitation. Good thing there's the NY Post Horoscope to cheer me up:

Cancer-"Sometimes you can be a bit too worried about what other people might think of you, and it can hold you back from doing things you know you would enjoy. Yes, there is such a thing as morality but you must decide what is right and wrong for you-you must not let others decide for you. Be who you really are and have fun."

tune in next week.

The Chronicles of Sweets Magee, Vol. 4

Another week has gone by, and this one was spent recovering from what I thought was food poisoning but may have been the stomach flu. Whatever it was, it was extremely inconvenient and stubborn. At least I was able to finish the entire first season of Lost (upon Sweets' suggestion) and let me tell you, that show is bananas. I highly recommend it.

Monday I was still a little queasy from my weekend bout with the still undetermined stomach disorder, but I had to stop by her apartment to pick up her dry cleaning. When I walked into the lobby there was an old man, probably in his early 80s struggling to open the main door. When he heard me walk in he turns, sees me and says "helllooooooo pussycat!" I smiled because what does one do when standing in a confined space with a senior citizen with a possible penchant for perversion? He mentioned that the lock was stubborn and I opened the door for us both. When I asked him if he needed help up the stairs he said "what a good pussycat," but that he's been climbing these stairs for over 40 years and was fine on his own. I quickly ran away because sometimes old people make me uncomfortable. I realize this makes me a terrible person, but I had visions of being sucked into spending time with him playing mahjong and crushing up his medicine so I could smoosh it into his tapioca pudding.

By Tuesday I was back to feeling 100%, but didn't have too much to do since Sweets had Monday and Tuesday off. Wednesday the talk around the water cooler was when one of the P.A.'s called the office manager to say he forgot his wallet in the crew van which was being returned to the rental place that day. The office manager told him that she was the only one in the office at the time and had to stay near the phones, but that they wouldn't return the vehicle without checking it out. A few hours later Tom, the office P.A., goes down to the van and doesn't find a wallet, but does find a plastic shopping bag. He brings it back up to the office manager who looks inside and discovers...a penis pump. She had just watched Austin Powers and that's how she recognized the device, that and the fact that I'm pretty sure it either says "Penis Pump" or has a picture of a penis pump on the box. When the P.A. called the office to see if they found his wallet, she said no, but they did find a shopping bag, and before she could say anything else, the P.A. interrupted her, saying "oh, that's mine." She offered to send it to one of the Assistant Directors on set, but he quickly said, "no, no, send it to me." My question is what he was doing bringing it to work with him?

Thursday Sweets asked me to pick up breakfast for her from Pastis, and told me that she wants me to eat with her from now on instead of from film catering because she doesn't want me getting sick again. So against my will I was forced to eat Irish Oatmeal from one of the swankiest restaurants in New York. I don't actually like Irish Oatmeal because it's covered in bananas which I loathe, but I ate that oatmeal like it was the most delicious dish to ever hit my lips. I was also cat-called while picking it up which I thought was kind of funny since the bistro is located in the Meat Packing District. We heard through the grapevine that it was Roe's birthday, and Sweets asked her friend R to send over something nice from the luxury brand she heads PR for as a gift.

Sweets wrapped early on the scene she was shooting before lunch so we had a solid hour and a half before we had to get back to set. She suggested we go somewhere for lunch and who am I to argue? We went to Schiller's on the Lower East Side, which happens to be owned by the same people who run Pastis, and we had a lovely little Parisian lunch. At first I didn't really know what to talk about (it happens every once in a while when I'm in a non-work related situation with her) but she took over by asking me what it was that I wanted to do, professionally. I told her that I've really enjoyed working for her and that I enjoy being a personal assistant (true when referring to Sweets), but said that's weird because people don't aspire to be personal assistants, right? Plus, I'm always embarrassed to admit what I really want to be when I grow up so I rarely do...okay fine, it's a child actor. She said that it's a good thing because you have to have a certain personality to be good at it and then spent the next fifteen minutes complimenting me, telling me I'm confident and responsible and I know how to get things done and made feel so appreciated. I also told her that I'm really thinking about moving to Los Angeles because New York has been great, it was where I wanted to be for college, but I get itchy when I'm in one place for too long. I told her I thought I needed some sunshine and she couldn't have been more supportive. Our conversation really gave me hope that this is going to lead to bigger and better things.

After lunch I had the pleasure of being alone in the elevator with Slick. We passed a few floors in silence and then he asked me how it was going. I enthusiastically said "super" and he goes "super?, really?" when I quickly joked "well, no," since I was actually running around like a madwoman, he smiled and I melted a little because Slick is hot. The package for Roe arrived in the afternoon, it was a black purse so new it's not even in stores yet, and when Sweets presented it to Roe she started freaking out, profusely thanking her for being so nice. My friend Koko joked that I should have told her it was my birthday too.

When I got back to the production offices I discovered the paparazzi photos that I seemed to be the focal point in. The office manager and Tootsie kept asking me what their names were, as if I'd forget them and leave them behind when I moved up in the world. Never, well at least not Tootsie, I could care less about the office manager. I forwarded the link to Sweets, joking that even though she didn't need any help in looking pretty, I've taken the liberty of bogarting the ten pounds the camera would have added to her, and added them onto my ten pounds. She quickly responded: "Oh hush. U look great! It's always a little jarring to see onself in those crazy pics......don't be so hard on yourself! We all look a bit windblown! Xx S" I was schooled on my insecurities by Sweets Magee.

Friday was a slower day. She was called to set at 2pm but didn't start filming til it was close to 6pm, and by 8pm we were all dying to get out of there. Even though she still had one more scene to shoot, she kicked me out, telling me I should go home and enjoy my weekend, she'd be fine. She also gave me a bouquet of flowers that were sent to the set for her from Juicy Couture. She told me she already had flowers in her apartment and she's going straight to dinner after work and won't be able to take them home, but somebody should appreciate them. I brought them back to the offices and put them on Tootsie's desk because she's the reason Sweets is even giving me flowers in the first place.

tune in next week...

The Chronicles of Sweets Magee, Vol. 5

Monday was an exciting day on set. We were shooting in SoHo and I got to drop Sweets' name at Balthazar in order to take out lunch from the restaurant (they typically don't allow it and have a side establishment for to-go orders which are pre-packaged and not nearly as nice). I must say, I was afraid at first it might not work, but they jumped to quite quickly. I made my way back to her trailer and had to do this roundabout manouver to get inside since you have to climb up some stairs, then back down a couple to actually open the door enough to walk in. I did this weird turn thingy and grabbed the door with my left hand, but swung it shut so fast that I skinned the knuckled of my thumb in the process. It was a gusher ladies and gentlemen, and you'd be surprised how often you touch that part of your thumb doing day to day activities.

Sweets was called to set and when she steps into frame I usually stand-by near the monitor to watch the scene, or by the hair and makeup girls, but in close proximity in case she needs anything. I noticed a blonde-haired chubby guy sitting in a director's chair next to me but didn't really pay attention to him. Then I started to see people trying to peek at him without being obvious and when Hipster, the director, came over to chat with him I finally looked at this guy long enough to realize that I was standing right next to Philip Seymour Hoffman. When I told Sweets he was on set she goes "what?!? that's so nerve racking, an oscar winner was watching my scene?"

Later that afternoon Slick and Sweets shot the climax of the film where Slick admits he was wrong in pushing Sweets away and that he wants her back. Slick may be the most amazing actor I've ever seen, because take after take he delivered this intense monologue and each time he just completely bowled everyone over. He even made Sweets cry and they hadn't even gotten to her coverage yet. When they switched to her close ups, she surprised the entire crew by upping the ante and delivering a really great performance. Hipster was so excited, which made all of us excited because it's really nice to feel such a positive buzz.

That evening Tootsie, Magoo and I decided to get an after work drink to decompress and catch up. Well, one drink turned into a few because we were just having too much fun to go home. Tuesday the three of us heavily regretted going out on a Monday, but at least for me, I was able to recouperate at home since Sweets and I had the day off.

Wednesday we shot at Von Bar on Bleecker Street and hair and makeup was set up in the basement of CBGB's which was bizarre. I've never actually been to CBGB's but I'm sure it's not supposed to be witnessed in natural light and devoid of patrons. The makeup artist had mentioned that either Tarte or Fresh cosmetics wanted to send products over for Sweets and when I e-mailed Sweets with the web addresses to see if she leaned towards any colors, she tells me she's all set with makeup, but that I should pick out stuff for me and just tell them it's for her. Um, free makeup? I can deal with that.

Thursday she had off so I didn't really have much to do, and it looked like Friday was going to be the same, until she called to let me know that the realtor associate with whom I went over the apartment checklist with prior to her arrival in New York, had walked in on her with a bunch of strangers. She wasn't naked or anything, but this guy just keyed into her apartment and said he didn't know she was home and wanted to show the tenants on the floor above her how good of a job the cleaning lady does. Yeah right. I immediately got on the phone with him and gave him a stern talking to about apt. etiquette, because this guy clearly just wanted to get in a celebrity's apartment.

Don't mess with my actress.

Friday night also happened to be St. Patrick's Day which technically was spent in the production offices since we had to stay until shooting wrapped and they didn't finish until close to midnight. Tootsie and I enjoyed iTunes at full volume and were in our own little world. It wasn't until creepy tech guy past by on his way out, then decided to hit on us, that our moods were slightly dampened. He's a portly fellow with a goatee who coincidentally offered Tootsie a tootsie roll a while back, and when she unrolled it she discovered he had hand written a note that said "life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get. Call me sometime..." and attached his phone number. Gross.

He's one of those guys that overstays his welcome, and we were trying to wrap everything up to get out of there and he thought it was funny to prevent us, or mainly Tootsie, from finishing her work. He touched our things, he couldn't take a hint when we turned our backs after politely laughing at his jokes, and I've never felt more uncomfortable then when Tootsie had to answer the phone and I was abandoned with this gentleman. He told me I had an accent and asked if I was from Texas. Do I have an accent? and if so, is it Southern? Cause I was born and raised in California.

We finally got the hell out of there and made our way to an Irish pub for a real pint of Guinness. The bad thing about St. Patrick's Day is that everyone starts drinking so early that when you reach a normal drinking hour in New York (12am), the bars are already winding down from the mayhem that took place hours before. Oh well, Tootsie and I had a great time, and while this week wasn't as action packed as those that have come before, I'm loving every part of this film.

Tune in next week...

The Chronicles of Sweets Magee, Vol. 6

I am completely and utterly smitten with (brilliant british actor from Shaun of the Dead, among other things). Monday we were filming in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Steve Sands, the uber annoying paparrazi guy followed us to set, but since we were shooting in a public park, we couldn't kick him off. Roe drove Sweets, Slick and Tad, the locations assistant over to holding where hair and makeup was set up (because once again they placed holding out of walking distance from set) and she said she'd swing back around to pick me up. Sweets said I could just hang out in her trailer until she finished and it was kind of cold so I decided to do that. But when Roe knocked on the door and said she was shuttling the Limey over and asked if I wanted to come, it took me about a nanosecond to agree.

The three of us walked over to the mini-van we were riding in and Roe had to run tell someone something so I was left standing there, alone, with the Limey. I introduced myself and when we climbed in the van we started chattin' away. He's so unbelievably nice and a laugh riot. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that everything out of his mouth is hilarious. Every peep, every word, every sentence makes you crack up and laugh so hard that your stomach hurts. Sweets joked that she wonders if he's that funny with his girlfriend (they just had a baby together and he's so cute when talking about his lady and his son), or if this is all just put on for strangers because how is it possible that someone is so naturally entertaining? Except me of course.

After lunch we moved to Clinton Hill, Brooklyn where Sweets and Slick had to shoot this big scene on the roof of "Slick's apartment." We had to wait until it was nighttime and the temperature was in the 20s with 20-30 mph winds. Slick and Sweets (who don't have any body fat on them) are only wearing jeans, Slick's in a denim jacket and Sweets has a thin shirt with a pathetic excuse for a parka on over it. Everything that could possibly go wrong, did. The microphones were crapping out, car alarms kept going off and ruining the take, or the camera would do a roll out (where the film runs out and you have to reload), and the wind is just cutting through every fiber of clothing you have on.

Sweets made me wear her thick north face jacket because my coat wasn't warm enough and as freezing as I was, I couldn't imagine how Sweets could even function in her wardrobe. We had heating pads for the two of them but that did nothing to beat the cold. Slick and Sweets were total troopers though. I even left a few minutes before the last scene was finished to warm up the van and in the two minutes it took me to walk to the stairs on the roof, Slick comes running up behind me and dashes inside which means he was booking it from the other side of the building to avoid the cold. Slick snagged shotgun and as I drove us all home, we started gabbing about random stuff. Talk about one charming son of a gun. I made him laugh, a lot, and started to wonder if I'm really that entertaining, or if maybe he was so tired that all jokes merited a chuckle. Either way, I was en fuego.

Tuesday morning I brought a big box over to Sweets' apt. that Juicy Couture had delivered to the production offices. When she opened the door and saw me she said "wait til you see this" then picks up the latest issue of US Weekly. There's a page commenting on who has had either dramatic weight loss or gain and there are fat pics of Kirstie Alley and Kelly Osbourne, then brand new skinny ones of them. On the bottom right corner of the same page there's a "look who has packed on the pounds" type caption with a pic of Sweets walking around Manhattan in an uber thick North Face coat and she's looking down so it gives the illusion of a double chin. Susie Homemaker in middle america could pick up that mag in a supermarket and tell that she was all bundled up and that's it's a terrible angle, but Sweets was really hurt by it. I think she flies under the radar so often when it comes to tabloids, that it's rough to find yourself in one and for such a mean, petty thing. You'd think that all actresses would have thick enough skin to withstand such taunting, but I guess you can still get hurt sometimes.

I asked if she wanted to open the Juicy Couture box to see what they sent over because maybe she's a therapeutic shopper and free clothes would cheer her up. They sent over a black raincoat, two brown corduoy blazers, one with a three quarter length sleeve, a teal square pattern boucle double breasted coat, a camel color thin cashmere sweater, olive green twill slacks, and chocolate brown cashmere pants. She took the black rain coat and gave me the rest! I was fully expecting her to just send back what she didn't want, but that's what I mean when I tell you she really is that nice. Unfortunately, making rent is more important than dressing well right now, so I've placed all of the items on Craigslist at reduced prices.

We shot in Bedford, Brooklyn that day and I was wearing a bright orange scarf and my pageboy cap and was just leaning against a wall across the street while Sweets shot an exterior. One of the p.a.'s who I've never seen before comes up to me and asks if I'm in the movie. I look at him like he must be joking because I'm dressed in dirty corduroys and the reason I'm wearing the hat in the first place is because I was too tired to shower that morning (it's a running pattern). I tell him, no, I'm Sweets' assistant, and he says "oh, you look like a star." Now I don't know if that's was just his way of trying to pick me up or if he genuinely meant it, but it made my day.

Later that afternoon I stopped by the Craft services truck for a grilled cheese and met Pete, the middle aged Italian Teamster. I had seen him around but was never formally introduced. He invaded my territorial bubble and said "I like your hat, what's your name?" I told him and he said I was "lookin' fine," then stood there staring at me with a pervy smile while I awkwardly waited for my sandwich. I now know not to go to the Crafty truck when Pete is there.

Wednesday morning I get a call from the realtor associate who walked in on Sweets last week. He leaves me a message saying that they are coming over at 2pm to show the apartment to a potential rentor. Sweets is there when I check my messages and I tell her not to worry, I'm calling him right back. It goes to voicemail but in a stern voice I tell him Sweets and I don't want anyone other than the cleaning lady entering the apartment until she's vacated it. The next thing I know his boss is calling me telling me there is a clause in her lease saying they hold the right to show the apartment at any time because it hurts their business not to be able to secure rentors before previous tenants depart. I call the production offices and find out one of the producers tried to get this clause written out of the contract but were rejected, so I tell the realty company and Sweets that I'll meet them at her apt. to make sure they don't touch anything. I even took the liberty of covering her laundry to hide her unmentionables and putting a picture of her and the bf that she keeps on her nightstand in a drawer so they can't gawk at her things.

Random interjection: we were shooting until about 11pm that night and when I did a coffee run around 8pm, I went to this place called Verb on Bedford and North 5. Bedford is very reminiscent of Berkeley, California, very hippie/artist, "I read the Onion and listen to vinyl in an effort to say "damn the man." If anyone in the Brooklyn area would like something to look at while they sip their coffees, then go to Verb because they have an unbelievably hot barista. I never go for the skinny, hipster type gentlemen, but this guy completely won me over.

Thursday was our first day shooting at a beach house in Long Island. Roe and I drove out there with Slick and Sweets and once we got on the Long Island Expressway Slick gets out of his seat and climbs into the back. His ass is sticking up in the air and Roe goes "um Slick, what are you doing?" and he says that the sun is in his face and he's trying to put up the collapsed bench seat in the back, but there's this weird strap system that is preventing him from doing so. I take out the instruction manual which has directions for every model of Ford minivan, not just ours, so it's taking me a while to locate the instructions. Slick's still futzing around and we're probably going 65 mph, and laughing like schoolgirls because Slick keeps bouncing around. He goes "C, you're killing me," but I finally find what I'm looking for and we get the bench seat up without spinning out on the highway. What a way to start off the day.

Sweets and Slick went straight to hair and makeup and while in their chairs, Slick asks Roe for sides (shrunken script pages of the day's scenes) but Roe doesn't have any on her. Slick jokenly gets mad and starts "firing people" but when he turns to me he says "you!...you can stay because you're doing an excellent job." And that's when I officially fell in love with Slick. God damned panty melter.

When he was finished I took his seat in the hair chair because it was a place to sit down and the hair stylist starts playing with my hair. She asks if I mind if she styles it? Of course not. She does this beautiful updo with curly tenrils all around my head and kind of a messy ponytail in back and everyone was stopping to tell me how pretty I looked. If only she could come with me everywhere.

Thursday was the Limey's last day on set and the crew applauded him before we headed back to the city. Tori, Sweets' stand in, wiggled a ride back with us and we soon discovered how incredibly annoying she is. She sat on the bench seat in the way, way back, Sweets and the Limey were in the back seat and I sat shotgun while Mary, this really sweet and quiet P.A. drove. We had just left set when the Limey asks me if it's possible to have his 5pm flight on Friday bumped up any earlier since he thought he was working but now he's not. I called one of the producers to ask if it's possible and my cell phone loses signal in the middle of our conversation. I'm holding my phone up, looking at it, when the Limey asks "sorry, is that Ricky?" referring to the photo of Ricky Gervais I have set as the background on my cellphone.

I get really nervous and start stuttering because I'm afraid he's going to think I'm a stalker or something, and I think one of the reasons we're getting along so well is because I'm literally the only person who hasn't complimented him on anything he's done, including a part alongside Ricky, because you can tell he doesn't want to be known only for that. I tell him that as a joke I've assigned celebrity photos to friends so when they call that person's picture pops up. He smiles and asks who has the misfortune of getting Ricky? and I tell him that I've set him as my wallpaper, but people who don't recognize him ask if he's my boyfriend, and I always say "yes" because it's a 40 year-old British guy with a goatee, and I think it's hilarious. The Limey does too and I'm relieved. Sweets if choking back her laughter.

Tori is one of those people who grunt or sigh in an effort to prompt someone to ask "what's that matter?" She also volunteers way too much personal information. I had asked the Limey what he'd be working on after this film and he started to answer me when the producer calls me back, so I only caught bits and pieces of his answer. He either said he had done a play or would be doing a play and Tori goes "oh my gosh I know so and so, and so and so," who worked on that project. This propels her into an excrutiatingly long chat about how she's been working on this other project with the same people and the Limey would be perfect for it and she's going to give her his e-mail if he ever needs anything and she'll totally send him the book for this one thing-and this was my favorite part, the Limey goes "can't I just buy it in a bookstore?" Then she says she knows a ton of people in theater PR so the next time he's in NY if he needs tickets to anything she'll get them for her. It was painful and a perfect example of innapropriate talking to talent and not knowing when to shut up.

I kept turning around and the Limey would shoot me these looks of desperation so I took over the conversation by asking him questions about other things and then I turned up the music so she would pipe down. I had made a mix for the long car ride and there was some Creedence Clearwater Revival, the Kinks, Otis Redding, etc. The Limey asked if I got this from my parents? but I was confused and replied "the job?" He said no, the taste in music, "because you're quite young," and I told him the Kinks I got into in college and Creedence is from my mother. When AC/DCs "TNT" came on I felt a warm hand on my shoulder and I turn to see the Limey who asks if I've seen Spinal Tap? I tell him yes and he says "this is so, Spinal Tap, I like your DJ-ing C." And that's when the Limey and I became best friends. When we got to his hotel he gave me a kiss on the cheek goodbye and I only wish that Tootsie had been able to spend more time with him because it was her idea to even cast him, and she's a genius because he's amazing.

Friday Sweets' agent and manager were both heading to set. I had to drive back into the city to pick up her agent, (who has an impressive list of clientele) and we had a great conversation on the drive out. It was cool and weird spending one on one time with a big Hollywood agent and listening to her making phone calls and doing business. We seemed to talk about everything and she's just so nice, and when we got to set her manager was there and he hugged me and just made me feel so welcome. She definately picked good people to work with.

I had brought petty cash back from the office for certain crew members and the way it works is I sign for the cash in the office, then have to watch the person stand there, count the money, and sign the form. I did this for everyone, and the set designer said "I just have to call the accountant first before I sign," because there was a discrepancy with one of the receipts or something. Now, the set designer is this really cool woman who we all know and is totally nice and trustworthy. She was hand picked to work on this project because the company enjoys working with her so much. Sweets' manager needed to get back to the city asap so I step away to look into a cab for him and when I get back (about 2 min later) a P.A. comes up to me and says Mallory (the 2nd AD) wants to talk to you in holding. I head down there and Mallory holds out the petty cash form that the set designer has signed and without warning she starts chewing me out. She says "don't ever walk away from someone before they've signed a petty cash form, you're so lucky it's the set designer who we all know, because if this was a bigger production, and someone walked away with this money, you would be responsible for this!" and she's going on and on, and there's just no need to talk to me like this because if it were some random person whom I'd never met I wouldn't have walked away, but it's the set designer and we're in long island, she's not going anywhere, and yes in theory, it was a stupid thing to do, but there's absolutely no need to speak to me that way.

Because of stress, lack of sleep, and I don't want to pull the girl card, but a case of the mensies to boot, I was kind of on the verge of tears. I was standing outside Sweets trailer when Roe knocks on her door. Sweets sees me and says "you can come in here" but I shake my head no. Then when Roe leaves, Sweets asks if everything is alright and I tell her everything's fine but she's looking at me like she doesn't buy it. I tell her that it's nothing, it's just people, and she asks if it was her manager or agent and I say, "no, it's Mallory," and without saying another word, she goes "you know, there is no need for people to be rude." And that's when Sweets Magee knew I needed her to cheer me up.

In between scenes we were talking in her trailer and just started discussing random things, sharing family stories and what not, and for the first time, it felt like we were talking to each other like girlfriends, and it was amazing. Roe knocked on the door to tell her hair wanted to do a touch up and Sweets told her to give her five more minutes because we were in the middle of a convo...

As a little pick me up for the crew Sweets had me get McDonald's for everyone that night and everyone was so thrilled to see hot food arrive. We filmed until 12:30am that night (we were supposed to wrap at 9:30pm, 10pm at the latest) and Sweets had to be up at 6am because of a press junket for her new film taking place all weekend. I had to be up at 7am because my roommate Nips got me a two hour job at her office to make a little extra money. By the time we got back to Manhattan, dropped everyone off, I helped Tootsie wrap things up in the office, then finally caught the subway, I didn't get back to the Bronx until 4am which made the morning rise oh so grand.

After Nips' temp job and running a few errands for Sweets, I got back to the Bronx by 2:30pm, fell asleep at 3pm, woke up at 6pm to pee, then slept until 8:30am Sunday morning. I was exhausted.

The film wraps on Wednesday and I'm excited and kind of scared at the same time. I have a couple of whispers about possibly jobs, but nothing confirmed right now. Ah the life of an assistant in the film industry.

stay tuned til next week...

The Chronicles of Sweets Magee, Vol. 7

And that's a picture wrap on Sweets Magee!!

Sadly, my time assisting SM has come to an end, but it was a great, nay, fantastic final week and this has been one of the best experiences of my life.

Sunday night I had e-mailed SM to propose that I stay behind in the morning and pack up a bunch of her stuff to mail home, then just hitch a ride with the first person to head to set (still way out on Long Island) from the Production Offices. This was also a pathetic attempt to get out of waking up at 4am to be downtown by 5am which was her pickup time. No luck. Did you know that bodegas aren't even open that early in the morning? 5am sharp I show up at her place and she looks at me confused and goes "oh, you didn't get my e-mail?" Yet another reason why I need my own laptop or a blackberry, so I don't keep missing Sweets Magee's e-mails. I started packing up the mounds of clothes she has and I'm sure this isn't a shock to anyone but as I was neatly folding all of her belongings I learned first hand that she's got some gorgeous clothes. Sick as this may be, once I discovered we had almost the same shoe size (we're a 1/2 size off), I totally tried on some of her footwear. Yep, that is totally gross, but let's blame it on sleep deprivation.

At around lunch time I headed out to set with H, the wardrobe designer/Hipster's girlfriend, and we had such a fun time gossiping and rocking out to music. We were shooting driving exteriors all afternoon with Sweets behind the wheel of a Maserati so I just kind of hung out in her trailer until it was time for a coffee run. If there is coffee, I will spill it. The hair and makeup girls drove to Starbucks with me and I made it all the way back to set holding a tray in my right hand with three cappuccinos, a regular brew, and a doppio cup wedged in the middle, and a venti iced coffee in my left hand. Of course we hit a pothole and the piping hot regular brew seemed to shoot up out of the mouthpiece and land right in my crotch. I hid in the trailer the rest of the day because I was no longer pretty.

Roe was getting sick and had taken nyquil or something along those lines so I drove her, Slick and Sweets back to the city. Everyone was so excited to wrap early (around 6pm) since we've been working such late nights, and we all planned on going home right away to get some rest. When we got back to the production offices we parked across the street and in front of the giant FedEx. It's a no parking zone, but with permits from the Mayor's Office, which all of the production vehicles have, we're allowed to park there. We go upstairs and I'm waiting for Magoo to get back with the car she's driving because in a rushed attempt to make sure I didn't miss H when she left for set, I left all of Sweet's boxes in the car knowing that they'd either be brought upstairs, or locked in there all day.

Magoo gets back around 8:00pm and I head downstairs to meet her and take the 7-count them-7 decently sized boxes across the street to FedEx. Tootsie had walked Roe down with some stuff to put in the minivan to take to set the next morning. The four of us walk out of the building and Magoo and I veer to the right while Tootsie and Roe just stand there. Then Roe goes "um, C, where did we park the van?" and I point to the spot where we left it, saying "right ther..." but all that's there is empty street. Oh holy jesus. The van has been towed. Roe is too doped up on cold medicine to fully comprehend what this means and Magoo and I are in mid lift of two heavy boxes just kind of staring at each other like what the hell do we do? Tootsie and Roe go back upstairs to find out where it was towed and Magoo and I resume our FedEx mission because I need to get these boxes out of my life.

The gentleman at FedEx carefully watched us carry each and every box into his shipment center and place them in the corner. The bastard waited until we had carried the final box in before asking if we were shipping those "ground." Yes, why do you ask? "Oh we stop shipping ground at 8pm." You've got to be joking me. They couldn't even process them at that time and just ship them the next day, oh no, Magoo and I had to go back upstairs to get the hand truck to bring all of the boxes up to the production offices. What was really the icing on the cake was that the freight elevator had been locked for the night, so Maegan and I had to roll them over to the front door, carry each box up the four or five stairs the main lobby has to offer, put them back on the hand cart, and then get in the elevator. A great workout, but unbelievably annoying.

Tootsie found out that the minivan had been taken to the tow pound on 38th and 12th Avenue, formerly Hell's Kitchen before it was cleaned up, and literally on the West Side Highway. We told Roe to just go home because she was of no use to us in her state, and Magoo had to walk Hipster's dogs one last time so she left too. It was up to Tootsie and I to save the day and get the minivan back in time to pick up Slick and Sweets the next morning. We left the production offices around 8:30pm, drove over to the tow pound, and discovered that appropriately, the tow pound offers no parking for those trying to redeem their vehicles. You have to park along a "waiting strip" across the highway, where someone has to stay in the vehicle at all times and then the other person runs-and I'm not joking, even though there is a traffic light you have to run across the highway-inside and get your car.

At first neither of us wanted to wait alone so we put on Tootsie's headlights and hazzards to try to fool anyone patrolling and booked it across the highway. When we walked into the offices and saw a good ten people ahead of us, it became clear that this wasn't going to be an "in and out" type of situation, even late on a monday night. I ran back to sit in the car and Tootsie kept me updated via text messages. At first they weren't going to let her take it because it was a rental car and her name wasn't on the agreement. She called the Office Manager and official name on the lease, and found out she had gone through this when H's rental car was towed and had all the paperwork/letter of authorization ready to fax over. Phew.

Not so fast, there were about four or five parking tickets on the van that various crew members had racked up during shooting, most of them could probably be cleared through the Mayor's Office, but to the tow pound a ticket is a ticket and they wanted to make Tootsie pay all of them. We also think this is the reason they towed us since we weren't in a tow zone. They must have called in the license plate and seen that it had tickets on it already. Tootsie didn't have enough money to do that so we had to call the Office Manager and tell her we can't get the van and are going to have to think of a new plan for picking up talent in the morning. The OM says we'll just have to use the office car which puts them at a disadvantage but what are you going to do? and as we're half way back to the office Tootsie realizes she left her driver's license at the tow pound. We swing back around and she runs in to grab it, and apparently the guy in charge took pity on her or something because he gave her the minivan back. Hooray, victory is ours!

It's 12:30am when we get back, Tootsie and I order a pizza and put it on the production office's bill, and after decompressing we head home. I take the minivan because it would have taken me an hour and a half to ride the subway at that time and I have to be up at 5:45am so I'm taking a chance that the people in our parking lot have left enough space for me to fit this time. Fortunately they did. The next morning Roe thanks me for taking care of everything and when Slick asks how our nights were and when I tell him what I ended up doing, he buys me coffee (probably to ensure I don't fall asleep while transporting him) which I definately needed.

All day long I felt like I had been hit by a mack truck, or run a marathon, or possibly even given birth to a child. I was sore and exhausted and had no will to live. I was kind of out of it for most of the day, definately wasn't chipper, and was falling asleep mid-sentence. Sweets wasn't having the greatest of times either since she was dealing with the aftermath of her ex-boyfriend telling the nation via a radio show, nothing but lies about their relationship.

At around 11pm Sweets thought she was done filming when they told her they wanted to try and squeeze one more scene in. She was still having a crummy day and just wanted to go home and we ended up not shooting that final scene but since Slick had to stay behind for some pickup shots this guy Chris drove Sweets and I, and Tori the crazy and annoying stand in back to the city. Sweets and I sat in the back and Tori propped herself so she was turned and ready to chat with us, but Sweets and I quickly put in our headphones because talking to her was the last thing we wanted to do. I don't say this to be cruel, I'm just not exaggerating when I tell you that this girl is mind-numbingly painful to converse with.

In an effort to cheer my girl up, I made her listen to David Brent's "Free Love Freeway" (because of course I have it on my iPod, the man's mug is on my phone for chrissakes). I could hear her laughing as she listened to it and she turned to me when it was over and said "thank you so much, that totally made my day." When we got back to Manhattan, Chris needed directions to Sweets' apt. and Sweets and I were forced to take our headphones out, leaving us vulnerable to Tori talk. The cringe factor came when we passed some building and she turns with a big smile on her face, points and goes "that's where my parents are right now!" Um, okay, that's like saying my friend lives in Union Square, or my aunts are sleeping in Jersey at this moment. She creeps me out.

Wednesday-our last day of shooting.

It was an unbelievably gorgeous day and it felt like the last day of school, where everyone can't wait to get all their finals over with and then party. I found it extremely satisfying when Mallory, the girl who chewed me out last week for no reason, was chewed out by the 1st Assistant Director, so karma...Sweets hadn't taken any photos this whole time so she asked me to wander around the set snapping away, which I was more than happy to do. She was so impressed with the pictures I took that she goes "you could have a second career!" I said "yeah, on my resume next to unemployment I can put set photographer." And she laughed but this didn't prompt the job conversation I was hoping for since I really wasn't joking.

Shamus, Hipster's fake assistant (he's this kid who came out of nowhere and knew Hipster sort of because he assisted on a film Hipster was in and has been trying to trump Magoo out of her job this whole shoot) was dispatched to get champagne for Slick and Sweets. During Slick's last shot Hipster said he just wanted to go one more take, even though we had it, then in the middle of the scene he ran up behind Slick with the champagne and wrap gifts. Slick screamed "I knew it!" and everyone cheered and laughed and had a gay ol' time. Slick's girlfriend was leaving early the next morning for a four month movie shoot in London and he was dying to get back to see her so they had another car on set to take him home. But before he left he saw me, exclaimed "C!" then gave me a big kiss on the cheek and a huge hug and thanked me for everything. I almost died.

Hipster did the same surprise attack for Sweets and I'm so glad that Tootsie and Magoo were on set to see it because they've been stuck either in the office or walking Hipster's dogs this whole time. I asked Sweets for a proper photo and she wrapped her arms around me in a generous hug while Tootsie took it. Naturally, the flash wasn't on and the lighting was too dark for the pic to come out, but at least I could take another one before she left.

Thursday night was the wrap party and what an event! It was at Phebe's on the lower east side because the original bar we had planned to have it at wanted more money at the last minute. The film editor had put together a sort of music video with outtakes and footage and set it to The Postal Service's "Such Great Heights." I hadn't seen a single stich of film this whole time and couldn't believe how truly amazing it looked. I really think this is going to turn out to be something great, and the script supervisor apparently told Hipster half way through filming that he had an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind on his hands. Which in the independent film world, is enormous.

Everyone was having such a good time and around midnight Sweets was getting ready to take off, but I had my friend Sara ready to snap a photo of us since my mother would kill me if I worked nearly two months with Sweets Magee and didn't get some kind of proof other than a paparazzi photo where I'm looking down. The red eye reduction must have flashed so many times that it confused her, because the end result is an image where her head is kind of cocked to the side and she looks like a deer caught in headlights. Sara goes "be glad that you have a picture where you look way better than Sweets Magee."

I also wanted a photo with Slick and Hipster but didn't want to be too obvious about it. I was kind of hovering near them but backed off because I didn't want to be crazy stalker girl. I decided memory would have to suffice. A little later I turned around and Slick was right there and he goes "Hey!" then grabs me to give me a kiss on the cheek and a big hug, I guess this is how he's going to greet me from now on because we're totally chummy now. I quickly said "oh let's get a picture" and he goes "lets!" We chatted for a while and talked about his son and how great the film looked so far. He's just so damn cool. Everyone stayed until the bar closed and kicked us out and I ended up crashing at Magoo's because I had to be up at 10am to help Sweets get out of her apt.

Friday was incredibly hectic with all the running around and shortage in production vehicles. I ran some more stuff over to FedEx for her and when I came back there were all these gift bags set up. She's telling me who gets what because I have to deliver them and then points to this huge bag and says "this one's yours." I blushed and she goes "so if you want to open it now..." which of course I did. The first thing I pulled out was a little bag from Apple. What could this be? Oh, nothing, just a video iPod and an iTunes gift certificate. I think I said "oh my God" about five or six times because oh my God, she got me a video iPod. She also got me this lovely purse which I now carry everywhere with me, and she said she thought of me when she saw it, so go Sweets. There was a card inside that said "Dude, I can't even begin to thank you for being so helpful and amazing. I can only hope we do it again-PLEASE call me if you're ever in L.A. -SM"

I told her that I'm actually thinking of moving to L.A. at the end of the month and she goes "oh really?" Then when her car arrived to take her to the airport and I walked her down, she gives me a huge hug and says "you have to call me when you get to L.A." Per Magoo's advice, because the Set Designer told her that in this industry you have to be bold and tell people you're looking for work, I e-mailed Sweets' agent and manager to thank them for everything, let them know how much I enjoyed working with them, and also that I'm moving to L.A. and could they keep me in mind if they hear of any assistant positions (of course the actual e-mails were very well written). Sweets' manager, a higher up at the ultimate talent management company in Los Angeles, sent this response:

"I absolutely will and thank you for helping Sweets out so much. I think its pretty evident how she feels about you and we all appreciate your hard work. Please stay in touch and I will keep my feelers out there for you. Cheers..."

This naturally made me feel fantastic, and Hipster e-mailed me this the other day:

"Also, just another big THANK YOU for working so hard with us.
Hope this finds you well and at this point very rested.
XO,

I think more than anything, I'm just jazzed about working a job where everyone appreciated me. It's the best feeling ever.

Sweets has to be back in New York in a week to do press for her latest film and she e-mailed me to say we have to hang out when she's in town, so even though I don't have another job lined up at this very moment, it looks like I have a new friend.

I hope you all enjoyed the Chronicles of Sweets Magee, and until I have a new actor to take care of, be well.