The Chronicles of Sweets Magee, Vol. 6

I am completely and utterly smitten with (brilliant british actor from Shaun of the Dead, among other things). Monday we were filming in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Steve Sands, the uber annoying paparrazi guy followed us to set, but since we were shooting in a public park, we couldn't kick him off. Roe drove Sweets, Slick and Tad, the locations assistant over to holding where hair and makeup was set up (because once again they placed holding out of walking distance from set) and she said she'd swing back around to pick me up. Sweets said I could just hang out in her trailer until she finished and it was kind of cold so I decided to do that. But when Roe knocked on the door and said she was shuttling the Limey over and asked if I wanted to come, it took me about a nanosecond to agree.

The three of us walked over to the mini-van we were riding in and Roe had to run tell someone something so I was left standing there, alone, with the Limey. I introduced myself and when we climbed in the van we started chattin' away. He's so unbelievably nice and a laugh riot. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that everything out of his mouth is hilarious. Every peep, every word, every sentence makes you crack up and laugh so hard that your stomach hurts. Sweets joked that she wonders if he's that funny with his girlfriend (they just had a baby together and he's so cute when talking about his lady and his son), or if this is all just put on for strangers because how is it possible that someone is so naturally entertaining? Except me of course.

After lunch we moved to Clinton Hill, Brooklyn where Sweets and Slick had to shoot this big scene on the roof of "Slick's apartment." We had to wait until it was nighttime and the temperature was in the 20s with 20-30 mph winds. Slick and Sweets (who don't have any body fat on them) are only wearing jeans, Slick's in a denim jacket and Sweets has a thin shirt with a pathetic excuse for a parka on over it. Everything that could possibly go wrong, did. The microphones were crapping out, car alarms kept going off and ruining the take, or the camera would do a roll out (where the film runs out and you have to reload), and the wind is just cutting through every fiber of clothing you have on.

Sweets made me wear her thick north face jacket because my coat wasn't warm enough and as freezing as I was, I couldn't imagine how Sweets could even function in her wardrobe. We had heating pads for the two of them but that did nothing to beat the cold. Slick and Sweets were total troopers though. I even left a few minutes before the last scene was finished to warm up the van and in the two minutes it took me to walk to the stairs on the roof, Slick comes running up behind me and dashes inside which means he was booking it from the other side of the building to avoid the cold. Slick snagged shotgun and as I drove us all home, we started gabbing about random stuff. Talk about one charming son of a gun. I made him laugh, a lot, and started to wonder if I'm really that entertaining, or if maybe he was so tired that all jokes merited a chuckle. Either way, I was en fuego.

Tuesday morning I brought a big box over to Sweets' apt. that Juicy Couture had delivered to the production offices. When she opened the door and saw me she said "wait til you see this" then picks up the latest issue of US Weekly. There's a page commenting on who has had either dramatic weight loss or gain and there are fat pics of Kirstie Alley and Kelly Osbourne, then brand new skinny ones of them. On the bottom right corner of the same page there's a "look who has packed on the pounds" type caption with a pic of Sweets walking around Manhattan in an uber thick North Face coat and she's looking down so it gives the illusion of a double chin. Susie Homemaker in middle america could pick up that mag in a supermarket and tell that she was all bundled up and that's it's a terrible angle, but Sweets was really hurt by it. I think she flies under the radar so often when it comes to tabloids, that it's rough to find yourself in one and for such a mean, petty thing. You'd think that all actresses would have thick enough skin to withstand such taunting, but I guess you can still get hurt sometimes.

I asked if she wanted to open the Juicy Couture box to see what they sent over because maybe she's a therapeutic shopper and free clothes would cheer her up. They sent over a black raincoat, two brown corduoy blazers, one with a three quarter length sleeve, a teal square pattern boucle double breasted coat, a camel color thin cashmere sweater, olive green twill slacks, and chocolate brown cashmere pants. She took the black rain coat and gave me the rest! I was fully expecting her to just send back what she didn't want, but that's what I mean when I tell you she really is that nice. Unfortunately, making rent is more important than dressing well right now, so I've placed all of the items on Craigslist at reduced prices.

We shot in Bedford, Brooklyn that day and I was wearing a bright orange scarf and my pageboy cap and was just leaning against a wall across the street while Sweets shot an exterior. One of the p.a.'s who I've never seen before comes up to me and asks if I'm in the movie. I look at him like he must be joking because I'm dressed in dirty corduroys and the reason I'm wearing the hat in the first place is because I was too tired to shower that morning (it's a running pattern). I tell him, no, I'm Sweets' assistant, and he says "oh, you look like a star." Now I don't know if that's was just his way of trying to pick me up or if he genuinely meant it, but it made my day.

Later that afternoon I stopped by the Craft services truck for a grilled cheese and met Pete, the middle aged Italian Teamster. I had seen him around but was never formally introduced. He invaded my territorial bubble and said "I like your hat, what's your name?" I told him and he said I was "lookin' fine," then stood there staring at me with a pervy smile while I awkwardly waited for my sandwich. I now know not to go to the Crafty truck when Pete is there.

Wednesday morning I get a call from the realtor associate who walked in on Sweets last week. He leaves me a message saying that they are coming over at 2pm to show the apartment to a potential rentor. Sweets is there when I check my messages and I tell her not to worry, I'm calling him right back. It goes to voicemail but in a stern voice I tell him Sweets and I don't want anyone other than the cleaning lady entering the apartment until she's vacated it. The next thing I know his boss is calling me telling me there is a clause in her lease saying they hold the right to show the apartment at any time because it hurts their business not to be able to secure rentors before previous tenants depart. I call the production offices and find out one of the producers tried to get this clause written out of the contract but were rejected, so I tell the realty company and Sweets that I'll meet them at her apt. to make sure they don't touch anything. I even took the liberty of covering her laundry to hide her unmentionables and putting a picture of her and the bf that she keeps on her nightstand in a drawer so they can't gawk at her things.

Random interjection: we were shooting until about 11pm that night and when I did a coffee run around 8pm, I went to this place called Verb on Bedford and North 5. Bedford is very reminiscent of Berkeley, California, very hippie/artist, "I read the Onion and listen to vinyl in an effort to say "damn the man." If anyone in the Brooklyn area would like something to look at while they sip their coffees, then go to Verb because they have an unbelievably hot barista. I never go for the skinny, hipster type gentlemen, but this guy completely won me over.

Thursday was our first day shooting at a beach house in Long Island. Roe and I drove out there with Slick and Sweets and once we got on the Long Island Expressway Slick gets out of his seat and climbs into the back. His ass is sticking up in the air and Roe goes "um Slick, what are you doing?" and he says that the sun is in his face and he's trying to put up the collapsed bench seat in the back, but there's this weird strap system that is preventing him from doing so. I take out the instruction manual which has directions for every model of Ford minivan, not just ours, so it's taking me a while to locate the instructions. Slick's still futzing around and we're probably going 65 mph, and laughing like schoolgirls because Slick keeps bouncing around. He goes "C, you're killing me," but I finally find what I'm looking for and we get the bench seat up without spinning out on the highway. What a way to start off the day.

Sweets and Slick went straight to hair and makeup and while in their chairs, Slick asks Roe for sides (shrunken script pages of the day's scenes) but Roe doesn't have any on her. Slick jokenly gets mad and starts "firing people" but when he turns to me he says "you!...you can stay because you're doing an excellent job." And that's when I officially fell in love with Slick. God damned panty melter.

When he was finished I took his seat in the hair chair because it was a place to sit down and the hair stylist starts playing with my hair. She asks if I mind if she styles it? Of course not. She does this beautiful updo with curly tenrils all around my head and kind of a messy ponytail in back and everyone was stopping to tell me how pretty I looked. If only she could come with me everywhere.

Thursday was the Limey's last day on set and the crew applauded him before we headed back to the city. Tori, Sweets' stand in, wiggled a ride back with us and we soon discovered how incredibly annoying she is. She sat on the bench seat in the way, way back, Sweets and the Limey were in the back seat and I sat shotgun while Mary, this really sweet and quiet P.A. drove. We had just left set when the Limey asks me if it's possible to have his 5pm flight on Friday bumped up any earlier since he thought he was working but now he's not. I called one of the producers to ask if it's possible and my cell phone loses signal in the middle of our conversation. I'm holding my phone up, looking at it, when the Limey asks "sorry, is that Ricky?" referring to the photo of Ricky Gervais I have set as the background on my cellphone.

I get really nervous and start stuttering because I'm afraid he's going to think I'm a stalker or something, and I think one of the reasons we're getting along so well is because I'm literally the only person who hasn't complimented him on anything he's done, including a part alongside Ricky, because you can tell he doesn't want to be known only for that. I tell him that as a joke I've assigned celebrity photos to friends so when they call that person's picture pops up. He smiles and asks who has the misfortune of getting Ricky? and I tell him that I've set him as my wallpaper, but people who don't recognize him ask if he's my boyfriend, and I always say "yes" because it's a 40 year-old British guy with a goatee, and I think it's hilarious. The Limey does too and I'm relieved. Sweets if choking back her laughter.

Tori is one of those people who grunt or sigh in an effort to prompt someone to ask "what's that matter?" She also volunteers way too much personal information. I had asked the Limey what he'd be working on after this film and he started to answer me when the producer calls me back, so I only caught bits and pieces of his answer. He either said he had done a play or would be doing a play and Tori goes "oh my gosh I know so and so, and so and so," who worked on that project. This propels her into an excrutiatingly long chat about how she's been working on this other project with the same people and the Limey would be perfect for it and she's going to give her his e-mail if he ever needs anything and she'll totally send him the book for this one thing-and this was my favorite part, the Limey goes "can't I just buy it in a bookstore?" Then she says she knows a ton of people in theater PR so the next time he's in NY if he needs tickets to anything she'll get them for her. It was painful and a perfect example of innapropriate talking to talent and not knowing when to shut up.

I kept turning around and the Limey would shoot me these looks of desperation so I took over the conversation by asking him questions about other things and then I turned up the music so she would pipe down. I had made a mix for the long car ride and there was some Creedence Clearwater Revival, the Kinks, Otis Redding, etc. The Limey asked if I got this from my parents? but I was confused and replied "the job?" He said no, the taste in music, "because you're quite young," and I told him the Kinks I got into in college and Creedence is from my mother. When AC/DCs "TNT" came on I felt a warm hand on my shoulder and I turn to see the Limey who asks if I've seen Spinal Tap? I tell him yes and he says "this is so, Spinal Tap, I like your DJ-ing C." And that's when the Limey and I became best friends. When we got to his hotel he gave me a kiss on the cheek goodbye and I only wish that Tootsie had been able to spend more time with him because it was her idea to even cast him, and she's a genius because he's amazing.

Friday Sweets' agent and manager were both heading to set. I had to drive back into the city to pick up her agent, (who has an impressive list of clientele) and we had a great conversation on the drive out. It was cool and weird spending one on one time with a big Hollywood agent and listening to her making phone calls and doing business. We seemed to talk about everything and she's just so nice, and when we got to set her manager was there and he hugged me and just made me feel so welcome. She definately picked good people to work with.

I had brought petty cash back from the office for certain crew members and the way it works is I sign for the cash in the office, then have to watch the person stand there, count the money, and sign the form. I did this for everyone, and the set designer said "I just have to call the accountant first before I sign," because there was a discrepancy with one of the receipts or something. Now, the set designer is this really cool woman who we all know and is totally nice and trustworthy. She was hand picked to work on this project because the company enjoys working with her so much. Sweets' manager needed to get back to the city asap so I step away to look into a cab for him and when I get back (about 2 min later) a P.A. comes up to me and says Mallory (the 2nd AD) wants to talk to you in holding. I head down there and Mallory holds out the petty cash form that the set designer has signed and without warning she starts chewing me out. She says "don't ever walk away from someone before they've signed a petty cash form, you're so lucky it's the set designer who we all know, because if this was a bigger production, and someone walked away with this money, you would be responsible for this!" and she's going on and on, and there's just no need to talk to me like this because if it were some random person whom I'd never met I wouldn't have walked away, but it's the set designer and we're in long island, she's not going anywhere, and yes in theory, it was a stupid thing to do, but there's absolutely no need to speak to me that way.

Because of stress, lack of sleep, and I don't want to pull the girl card, but a case of the mensies to boot, I was kind of on the verge of tears. I was standing outside Sweets trailer when Roe knocks on her door. Sweets sees me and says "you can come in here" but I shake my head no. Then when Roe leaves, Sweets asks if everything is alright and I tell her everything's fine but she's looking at me like she doesn't buy it. I tell her that it's nothing, it's just people, and she asks if it was her manager or agent and I say, "no, it's Mallory," and without saying another word, she goes "you know, there is no need for people to be rude." And that's when Sweets Magee knew I needed her to cheer me up.

In between scenes we were talking in her trailer and just started discussing random things, sharing family stories and what not, and for the first time, it felt like we were talking to each other like girlfriends, and it was amazing. Roe knocked on the door to tell her hair wanted to do a touch up and Sweets told her to give her five more minutes because we were in the middle of a convo...

As a little pick me up for the crew Sweets had me get McDonald's for everyone that night and everyone was so thrilled to see hot food arrive. We filmed until 12:30am that night (we were supposed to wrap at 9:30pm, 10pm at the latest) and Sweets had to be up at 6am because of a press junket for her new film taking place all weekend. I had to be up at 7am because my roommate Nips got me a two hour job at her office to make a little extra money. By the time we got back to Manhattan, dropped everyone off, I helped Tootsie wrap things up in the office, then finally caught the subway, I didn't get back to the Bronx until 4am which made the morning rise oh so grand.

After Nips' temp job and running a few errands for Sweets, I got back to the Bronx by 2:30pm, fell asleep at 3pm, woke up at 6pm to pee, then slept until 8:30am Sunday morning. I was exhausted.

The film wraps on Wednesday and I'm excited and kind of scared at the same time. I have a couple of whispers about possibly jobs, but nothing confirmed right now. Ah the life of an assistant in the film industry.

stay tuned til next week...